I want to thank everyone who has called or commented regarding my last post.
Went out and did what I do best yesterday. Ran my ass off.
At times the tears were rolling.
At times I was laughing.
I’m trying to be such a big girl for all of you. Trying to pick myself up, and to hide my weakness from all of you. Trying to show you that I have this great attitude, despite adversity.
All I can come up with is anger.
I work so fricking hard, so hard. I’ve ridden my bike all over this damn state. I run my butt off. And I give it my all in the pool. I watch what I eat, I remain disciplined, I barely ever have a drink. I’m not just throwing a half-ass effort at this. It doesn’t come easy for me. You may think it does because I try to keep a good attitude, but the truth is I have to work 100 times over for any gains I make. Including the attitude.
14 fricking seconds. But of course the chick was 7 minutes and 46 seconds BEHIND me in the race because she started in a different wave, because she’s in a different stinking age group. How am I supposed to compete with that? The girl who I raced at the finish and beat…yea, she gets a guaranteed slot now because with all the ladies moving out of the age group she in now miraculously 16th. I’m an altruistic kinda girl. One who believes in fair, in truth. It all infuriates me.
All I can come up with through this is an intense desire to become a fierce, intense, ass kicking girl. I want to throw the good attitude out the stinking window and become that girl that I fight not to be. You know the intimidating unapproachable one?
I leave you with some American Idol wisdom:
Hurry up and wait
So close, but so far away
Everything that you’ve always dreamed of
Close enough for you to taste
But you just can’t touchYou wanna show the world, but no one knows your name yet
Wonder when and where and how you’re gonna make it
You know you can if you get the chance
In your face as the door keeps slamming
Now you’re feeling more and more frustrated
And you’re getting all kind of impatient waitingWe live and we learn to take
One step at a time
—Jordin Sparks
Some of you may not agree with this post…my blog, my emotions. Let’s not paint lipstick on the pig.
It is good to be angry, sad, disappointed, human… It means that you have a soul and a passion for what you are doing. Don’t try to stifle your emotions, healing comes with release. Every woman needs a little ferocity; it won’t make you any less approachable. Use it to feed your fire and let your inner lioness run free.
One day soon you will get the slot for some BIG life-changing race. It may be the 16th slot or the 20th. You will get it.
But there will always be someone who gets the 21st slot or the position that was just a little bit short, and presumably they, too, will be disappointed. They’ll blog. Cry. Laugh. Move on. As you have/will.
Let’s say you made it. Someone else would be in your shoes. If they’re half the warrior you are you just know they’ll work their chiseled ass off, too, like you did. Why? Because they NEVER EVER want to be #21. They never want to do another blog post like this. It hurts.
You will keep at it. Be stronger. Smarter. Faster. And hindsight will tell you being #21 will help you be #1 at other things.
I wanted to be angry and cry myself just reading your last two posts. My heart goes out to you and all that you have accomplished. I have no words of wisdom for you or platitudes to offer, nothing you haven’t already told yourself. I just wanted to comment and let you know that you have touched me and I know I will draw on your experience and strength when reaching for my own goals.
To tell you the truth, I was waiting for this. This is also a part of moving on/past this #21 spot. On one hand, you try to hold it all together and have this great attitude, but it only lasts so long, and the anger has to come out. Who wouldn’t feel the way you do? I think we all would. But as is stated previously in other comments, this will only make you stronger. Ya, it stinks, big time. But it is what it is. Now you can choose to let it help you become better, or worse. Knowing the ‘warrior’ that you are (to quote someone else) I know it will make you better, faster, stronger– AMAZING! So go ahead and be mad! It’s ok. But let it fuel you to greater things. I know they are coming for you!
You are awesome!
Well, one thing I do know, is that based on those pictures, I don’t want to ever be someone who has made you angry!
You have the right to be angry. Maybe it is unfair? Seems a bit ridiculous to me (them, not you).
Yes, it their rule and they have a right to make it, but anger is a part of the healing, a part of moving on. I’d be more concerned if you didn’t become angry.
I have to ask you though! Why do you race? What defines you as a person? and as an athlete? Is it your spot in Worlds? Or is it other things? I’ve been reading your blog all summer and it seems that it’s other things.
Sonja, I’m so sorry–I was reminded today by a friend that it’s my fault. It usually is the parent’s fault you know.
I should have had you a year later, then you wouldn’t have aged up.
I love you, I think it’s healthy to have and show emotions, please don’t ever change. You ARE the WORLD to me.
Sonja, I am so sorry to hear about the weird rules and the disappointment of not getting that slot. I think it’s ok to be angry and to say that instead of covering it up. You HAVE worked so hard, and all that hard work is not going to waste. Thinking of you lots today and we will chat when I’m back in town
Hugs.
It’s definitely okay to be angry – it’s a very human emotion and we shouldn’t try to be something other than human. Stoicism only works to a certain point.
I’ve got a rule that I use as a goaltender – “Don’t worry about the last goal; worry about the next goal”. A lot of goalies get so steamed up about a shot they should have stopped, or a play where their teammates let them down, and they don’t focus on the next shot. Bottom line – once the puck’s in the net, there’s not a damned thing you can do about it. So focus on the next one.
It took me awhile to take this to heart (I’m pretty emotional myself), but I’m finally at the point where I can not only do it, but I can calm down my teammates the same way.
So definitely be angry, but don’t let the anger take your focus off of your next set of goals and your next set of accomplishments. Don’t let the bastards get you down!