I like to think that I am the type of person, who may make mistakes, but tries hard to learn from them. None of us are perfect, but I like to think that it’s your ability to learn and adapt, along with your attitude that really dictates where you head in this world. I always like to think of myself as a learner, an adapter.
That’s been turned on edge this week. Lessons I have been taught the hard way seem to be coming back at me. I should know how to dress for a long ride with hill repeats, I should know not to ascend too high, and that an extra this and an extra that should always be in my pocket. I should be remembering more than I am. Every workout I seem to forget something, whether it’s water bottles, or my Garmin, or my heart rate strap, or my warm hat, or my co2 cartridge.
I am finding myself learning all these lessons yet again, lessons I have already learned, and it made me ponder whether I am as good of a learner as I think I am.
Last year took quite a bit of finagling to get my workouts in. I try to be here for Annie as much as I can and I utilize child care much less frequently than you would think. It took a lot of learning to figure it all out, yet spring has rolled around and I seem to be in a constant panic as to how I’m going to get in my workouts and what to do with Annie.
When does it get easier? It doesn’t. Every day is a new day, every day requires a new set of skills, whether it’s packing the car the night before, waking up at 5am for the first workout of the day, planning meals for me and the family, etc. Every morning it’s a different game with different rules. Yesterday just the sheer matter that Annie had dance class threw my day for a loop, the delicate balance of the daily schedule (or lack thereof) knocked on end.
When I was at camp in Tucson it was so easy. Life was so easy. Get up, get dressed, eat, workout, eat, workout, eat, workout, eat, sleep. It’s so easy to minimze stress. Just take care of you, just think about you.
But my life is not that. I have other responsibilities, and as of recently I’ve pretty much been failing at keeping all the balls in the air. Buying a house threw me over the edge. 12 hours of inspections, sewer guys, roof guys, signing papers thrown into my week completely did me in. I missed a day. The first day in a long long time that I just didn’t train due to other things.
I felt bad, I got frustrated, I wanted to crawl in bed and cry, I did crawl in bed and cry. I get really bummed when I can’t get my workouts in. I was stressed out. I know that stress is the name of the game, and I was stressed, and I was stressed about being stressed. I feel like I let people down (myself included) when I don’t get in my training. So many people, Troy, my family, Chuckie, my sponsors, and you all support me so much in my triathlon pursuits and I feel a sense of responsibility because of that.
I was out running last night. I had one of those runs where you don’t even feel your feet touching the ground. You are effortlessly moving across the earth in a manner that requires zero work. Pure bliss. All of the sudden on the top of butterfly hill I stopped. I felt warm, even though it was chilly. I felt a rush of peace and in one fell swoop I realized.
I’m doing the best I can.
Yes, I realized that one thing. I am doing the best I can, plain and simple. I can not ask any more of myself and when I do it just yields a sense of unease. You all expect nothing more of me, and I need to expect nothing more of myself. My best…it’s good enough, and that’s the bottom line.
I ran home with peace in my heart. I woke up ready for a solid training day today. All is good.
Troy, Annie and I leave Denver tomorrow to fly to San Jose. My parents have never hosted Easter at their house for Annie and she’s at that perfect age to party it up. Troy flies home Tuesday evening and Wednesday night Michelle and Megan fly into San Jose. We pack up Thursday and head off in RCKBITR to the Woodstock of triathlon that is Wildflower.
First race of the year.
Goal: Do the best I can.