Why is Finding a Calling so Stinking Hard?

Ever since the great Sonja downfall of 2017 my brain keeps coming back to this idea of a calling, or a purpose. I think because I was taken to my knees and I deleted or paused everything in my life, I starting asking myself why I was still here? For about a year I kept telling Troy that I think my time is close to ending on Earth, I had a feeling. It scared the crap out of him and I felt horrible about telling him, but I just felt this overwhelming feeling that I was on my way out. That there wasn’t any place left for me here or direction to head. It was a sad feeling, but also comforting sometimes too, like there was no more pressure to perform. I didn’t want to leave my daughter or Troy, I loved so many things about my life, but I also felt so adrift that I wasn’t sure my soul was going to be able to stay attached to the Earth.

Wasn’t being a mom to the amazing Annie a whole life’s worth of purpose? That didn’t feel totally authentic. Although I am Annie’s mom, she has always been my teacher. She was born having mastered so many of the lessons in life that I struggle with. I feel at times I am only here to remind her about everything she is amazing at by being totally incompetent at those very things. And adventures, I’m definitely here to infuse a healthy amount of adventure in the girl.

And being a wife to Troy, a man with so much integrity and purpose who has easily found his life’s calling in his work and family, wouldn’t it be enough to support and love and nurture all that he is? To build up and reassure this awesome guy on the daily, to run the house and provide a stable nurturing home for my family to thrive.

I tried hard. And while some bits I was quite good at, namely the bits I was good at without trying, there was a fair amount that felt inauthentic. Annie and Troy are both doing great all on their own and while they love having me around, they don’t need me to dote on them. They prefer me chasing after my dreams, and this became apparent after a few months of my hovering.

But what dreams did I have to chase? They were all gone.

One of my favorite books in the whole wide world is Playing Big, written by Tara Moore. The book is not big but the ideas are and every time I read it there is a new chapter written in it’s pages just for me. “Callings”, of course there is a chapter on callings that I had mostly glossed over when my life was full of creating a business or chasing podiums. It’s only when you lack a calling that you go hunting for that chapter. From Tara:

A calling is an assignment to bring light or love into the world in a particular way.

As I dove deeper into the concept I realized that I had to stop making a “calling” into something it isn’t. It isn’t a business model (although for some it might be). It isn’t a product (although for some it might be). It’s not something I am ready for, I’m not the person I need to be to complete the calling, I don’t have everything I need to bring it to fruition, and the world is most likely not ready for it.

If that sounds scary, it’s because it is. The kind of scary that is both good and bad at the same time.

My calling is the special work that is mine to do. There is a rightness to it, and inner knowing, coupled with an intense feeling of unlimited future growth potential. It’s the work that is more about the journey than anything else. Our callings grow us, and they usually start with way more questions than answers. They are an elephant, and bite sized all at once.

Callings make me think about the wise elders, the priests, the village shamans, and also the financial teacher who once went broke, the sober sponsor who experienced addiction. Equal parts teaching and living, practicing what they preach. A unique mix between their own relationship/journey with their work, coupled with sharing and teaching to others. The taking of life’s greatest pain and massaging it into a structure that one can live by to prevent that same future pain. Only those who walked through the flames, know what it feels like to burn.

And from that place of knowing I could move forward with my own calling. Knowing that I am not ready for my calling was a relief, because I DO NOT feel ready. I feel like Bambi. But also, I feel honored that while my pain chose me, I have a lifetime to learn the lessons it brought with it. It will be confusing, I won’t feel steady or sure, but a one-step-at-a-time approach is all that is needed.

I experienced what happens when you lose connection with Whole Health, Foundational Health, Mind Body & Soul. When the house of cards started falling, when the rug got pulled out from underneath me, and my foundation of health experienced an earthquake, it almost got the best of me. But since then, each day I wake up and search for solid ground. Terra Firma. Whether I accept it or not, that’s my calling.