The heart wants what the heart wants...
“It’s time to say goodbye, but I think goodbyes are sad and I’d much rather say hello. Hello to a new adventure.”
Yesterday I retired from triathlon.
I know, I know, I'm not a professional, and it seems a little dramatic. But for me, it's an important day.
I was supposed to race Santa Rosa 70.3 Saturday and I texted Muddy at 11:15pm Friday night telling him I wasn't going to race. I asked if I could take the bus to T1, grab my bike, hop in the car with him, and go to breakfast. He said yes.
I woke up early, after only 2 hours of sleep and did just that. I rode the bus out to the race venue, with a near full moon shining, full of atheltes, with my headphones in my ears and tears streaming down my cheeks. Thank goodness for the darkness.
I got to the site, walked into transition, and un-racked my bike. I couldn't leave her there all day, we've been so many places together and I couldn't abandon her. I rode it a mile back down the road where Muddy was standing on the side of the road waiting and I started (errr... continued) crying.
We got in the car and he asked me what's up? And I said, "It's time, I'm done, my heart's not in it"
And he said... "that's okay!" <-- I knew he would say that!
I wake up every morning and I work. I work on my business. Every day. And a lot of nights too.
I used to wake up every morning and think about my training, my sessions, my diet, my races.
I just don't do that any more.
There are so many ways to do this sport, so many ways to be involved, but I am an all in girl. It's just WHO I AM. There's no way around it. I do one thing until I get as good as I can at it. That's how my heart works. It beats for one purpose, and sometimes that purpose changes. (and that change is really flipping painful)
It changed some time ago, but I've been in denial. I have. I didn't want to let go of Sonja the athlete (we call her Sonja F-ing Wieck) who stood on top of podiums and won things. The ego side. It feels good to look back on those experiences and of course I love that girl and those experiences that I got to have. But I am not in love with making the choices needed to stand on those podiums any more.
And definitely not at the expense of being all in for RTTC and our atheltes. So, for no other reason than "my heart told me" I'm pivoting!
YAY...a pivot.
I will absolutely stay healthy and active. That's 100% important for every human being. We have a lot of atheltes that want to qualify for Boston and THOSE PEEPS NEED A PACER!!! (Maybe I need them too). Health first is my philosophy. And honestly, the last few years have been very unhealthy for me. I'm not a balance girl, I'm not a harmony girl.... I'm a one thing girl. That's what's healthy for me.
Our tribe at RTTC is absolutely stellar. My coaches have it right, they have the right attitude and mindset to help our atheltes be successful LONG TERM. They are doing it every day with our stable of kick ass seahorses. This is so important to me. I'm excited to wake up every day and support them to the best of my ability, and removing the pressure of my personal racing feels like such a weight is lifting and I can be all in for them. ahhh!!!
Going back to that denial I was in. Part of it was that I never won a world championship for Muddy. We wanted to, I asked him to help me get there, and he really believed I could. But my heart thought 2nd was good enough. It did, it thought it was enough. It still does. It moved on. And when we talked about it, he was okay with it. And him being okay with it, made me really okay with it.
But I couldn't stomach the thought of not having Muddy in my life for the rest of my life. Part of me pushed on this long because the idea of not being coached by Muddy made me so darn sad. Just typing that sentence made big tears roll down my cheeks. Whew... so sad.
So, I asked for what I wanted, which is to be his apprentice. Now, I know, that's not a term that's really used in triathlon, but I don't care. I've been under his wing as an athlete since 2013 and I don't want to leave that wing. So, I asked if he would mentor me as a coach. We pivot!
Check out those puffy eyes... all the tears!!
His philosophy and his "subtle arts" are truly genius when it comes to extracting performance out of someone....but you have to have a lot of trust in his process. I was talking with a good friend last night and we were laughing that we look for "Muddys" everywhere. In any service based business we are looking for the Muddy, the expert who is selfless and genuine, and knows how to subtly get 110% out of everything, and make it look easy, and have more fun along the way than anyone else. You don't know it until you experience it.
And that's what I hope to learn over the next few years with Muddy! So you can expect to see me at many more races around the globe, probably running around behind Muddy, yelling at athletes to "fight for it" and "stick to the plan!"
To new experiences and squeezing the most out of life! Seahorse power!